Still

Still doubting
What was him
What was me
What was the combination of us

Still fearing
Will it happen again
Will I recognize the signs
Will I be strong enough in being myself

Still sad
Still mad
Still so very angry

How could you?
Why did you?

Why did I not defend myself?
Why did I tolerate?

Your narcissistic side
Your gaslighting lies

The same Mistakes

I don’t want to make the same mistakes again
Doubting, hoping, pining for attention
Your reaction, your manipulation
Has me thinking, analyzing every step again

I don’t want to overreact
Make you something you’re not
I don’t want to misjudge
Make you greater than you are

I overanalyze again and realize slowly
Too much thinking, doubting
Me, him, you, is only causing
Me to make the same mistakes again

So stop
Take it day by day
Wait and see
Breathe

Past and Future

Deep red lines marked my path
Will this return you might ask
And I hope to show you that it won’t

I offer my sleeves for you to see
But you don’t judge
And I feel like with you
I might finally be able to be me

First Date

I think I know what I want
But if I can have it I don’t
And since I said I want it
I feel obliged to do it

Even if it makes me feel
Used
Scared
Empty

I tell myself I wanted it
I tell myself I enjoyed it
When really
I did it just for you
When really
I don’t know you

Because I don’t want to disappoint
I don’t want to be cast aside

And sometimes I can’t tell
Whether I enjoyed it
Or hated every second of it

May, might, could

I want to fill these pages in my book
But I’m scared what I might find
Scared of what the readers may think

Yet I spill these secrets of my heart
Hoping to find someone of my kind
But then I want to take it back

Make you forget what I said
Scared of how you might judge

May, might, could
I probably should
Not say a thing
Cause you might think
This book is not worth remembering

The cycle of fighting myself

This emptiness is choking me
I cannot taste it, touch it, fight it
Yet I keep pushing myself deeper into it
I stay cooped up with the saddest beats
Spent my days hiding in sheets

And I realize I’m doing this to myself
Victim and perpetrator the same
But I can’t fight the pull of heaviness
Deep down I feel I’m worthless
And then it’s the same old game
I can’t help it, once more I hurt myself

This insecurity is caging me
I cannot break out, fade out, speak out
And I’m the one that keeps myself out
I built these walls to hide me
But now I crave for someone to see

And I realize I’m doing this to myself
Victim and perpetrator the same
But I can’t fight the pull of heaviness
Deep down I feel I’m worthless
And then it’s the same old game
I can’t help it, once more I hurt myself

I want to feel these feels
I want to smash these walls
And I make plans to set things right
And I start to fight the fight

But a few days later
The excuses begin
I start to give in
Start to forget
That this was my plan

Until this emptiness
Chokes me again
Brick in hand
To wall me in

 

Border line

I’ve written letters in red ink
Sleeves of emotions I could not bear
I’ve composed symphonies of agony
Operas of wails and tears

Now I’ve learned to write with black on white
Instead of entire operas I only compose songs

Yet I am out of words and out of sounds

I cannot name what hasn’t been
Nor can I sing what hasn’t sound

It might be somewhere inside me
In all the lines and sounds
Some undertone or grammar
That defines who I am
And what I want
In life
But
In life
What I want
Is what I can’t get
Ambition battles with doubt
And the border line remains

Next to each other

Lying next to each other
Dreaming of seperate things
A million miles apart
You reach for me and I agree
But I don’t want to see

You pull up my sleeve and judge
My incapability to live
Your silence is a piercing scream
Invalidating my heart
And yet you reach for me
And I agree

My words instigate you
Your words carving me wide open
I cry and you advice
To just not be so broken

You tell me you love me
But I can’t be who I am
You tell me I’m worthless
And I agree

Lying next to each other
You close your eyes and fall asleep
I hold back my tears
Don’t make a sound don’t bother

You gather confidence in abundance
While I loose all my embers
You collect my tears like proof
Currency of my incapability
to survive without you
And so I stayed

For years I lived for you
Supporting the throne you sat upon
You loved my functionality
But when I wavered
I became a nuisance

But

I will no longer bow

Gaslight

Your words hurt like arrows
They rip right through my heart
What you said
What you lead me to believe

You took advantage of my fears
Took advantage of my doubts
You tell me you would love me

If only
If only
If only
I do what you want me to
I act like you want me to
I change like you want me to

And you stole my sense of myself
Made me your perfect accessoire
Show off, praise me, love me

As long
As long
As long as
I do what you want me to
Act like you want me to
Be who you want me to

Be intelligent
Be confident
Be presentable
Be normal
Be available
Be my success
Be happy
Be reasonable
Be rational
Be there for me
Be silent!
Be obedient!
Be who I want you to be!

Whenever
Wherever
Whatever

He wants:

Don’t think
Don’t talk
Don’t ask
Just close your eyes
And lie still
As I tear you apart

And you won’t even
realize
That that’s what I do